Sexuality Jokes Funny

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.

Have a nice day!

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

Hotel Related Incident

A man checks into a hotel in Auckland while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.

He popped into a phone booth in Albert Street near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says.

God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

It took three hours for him to get the courage to Checkout next morning.

Sexuality Jokes Funny: A man had gone through a long and difficult divorce. During those many months he had not had any sex, so when the divorce was granted, he went to Vegas for some fun. Upon arriving and feeling lucky, he went to a roulette table, put some money down, and in no time won twenty-five thousand dollars! Then he went over to the hotel's maitre d' and said, "Send me up your very finest. Money is no object!" "I know exactly what you're looking for." The man went to his room and ten minutes later a beautiful, voluptuous woman stood before him. He let her in. "I've never paid for sex before," he admitted. "How much do you charge for a hand job?" "Five thousand dollars," was the reply. The man was incredulous. "What could you possibly do for five thousand dollars?" The woman grabbed him by the neck, dragged him over to the window and said, "Do you see that Rolls Royce out there? I bought that Rolls Royce with the money I made from hand jobs alone." The guy was very impressed, and gave her five thousand dollars of his winnings. She gave him the most mind-blowing, exquisite hand job he'd ever had in his life, and it was worth every penny. After a short time, ready to go again, he asked, "How much do you charge for a blow job?" "Ten thousand dollars," was the sultry reply. "What could you possibly do for ten thousand dollars?" he asked, not believing his ears.

Again she dragged him over to the window. "Do you see that restaurant across the street? I bought that restaurant with the money I made from blow jobs alone."

Once again hopeful for another spectacular repeat performance, he peeled out ten thousand dollars of his winnings and gave it to her. Again, she did not disappoint. After his second orgasm, though, he was exhausted and couldn't muster up another erection. Curious, though, he said,

"I can't go again, but I'm just wondering, how much it would have cost me if I'd wanted some pussy?"

Once again she grabbed him by the neck, dragged him over to the window and said, "You see that casino over there?"

He nodded yes.

"I'd have bought that casino if I had a pussy."

An uninsured man with a medical problem had no money to go to the doctor. He had heard about these machines in malls that for only one dollar would diagnose and tell you exactly what was wrong. This guy decided to give it a try.

The machine looked like a picture booth, so he stepped in, closed the curtain, sat down, and donated his dollar. Lights flashed, a tongue depressor pressed his tongue down and pictures were taken of the inside of his throat. A cuff came out and took his blood pressure. Suddenly out came a cup with instructions to PUT SAMPLE HERE. He peed in this cup, which retreated back into the machine. A few seconds later out came the diagnosis: YOU HAVE TENNIS ELBOW.

The guy became irate. He felt that he'd been conned. He decided to prove that the machine was a quack. He went home and got a cup. He had his dog, wife, and daughter pee in it. He then contributed ejaculate. Then he went back to the machine in the mall.

As before, he slipped another dollar in, went through the exam, and waited for the cup. At the appropriate moment he poured his concoction in and awaited the diagnosis, which came out a minute later: YOUR DOG HAS RABIES. YOUR SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER IS PREGNANT. YOUR WIFE HAS V.D. AND IF YOU KEEP JERKING OFF, YOU'RE GOING TO CONTINUE TO HAVE TENNIS ELBOW.

Sexuality Jokes Funny Joke

Remember Cinderella? Deprived of a social life, she didn't get out much—until one day her Fairy Godmother appeared to make arrangements for Cinderella to go to the prince's ball. The conversation went something like this:

"You've never been out before, have you, dear?" asked the Fairy Godmother. Without waiting for a reply, she continued. "What if you meet someone, have sex, and get pregnant on your very first date? That would be a disaster!"

"Yes, I guess so," replied Cinderella not really knowing what the Fairy Godmother was talking about.

"Get a pumpkin," the merry matron instructed. Cinderella did and the Fairy Godmother touched it with her magic wand; it immediately became a diaphragm.

"Now, you'll put this inside of you and be protected." (They weren't worried about AIDS and STDs back then). "But remember," she emphatically forewarned, "this is a magic diaphragm and at midnight it will become a pumpkin again. You must be home by midnight to take it out. If not, it could kill you!"

"Yes, I'll be back on time," promised the naïve lass. Then off she went in all the additional magic finery the Fairy Godmother could muster.

The Fairy Godmother waited up for Cinderella. Midnight came and went, one o'clock, two o'clock...finally two thirty rolled around, and Cinderella strolled up wearing the pre-magic rags. The Fairy Godmother ran to her, visibly upset.

"Cinderella, Cinderella, where have you been?" she cried.

"Well, I met a guy," Cinderella said coyly. "Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater."

Sexuality Joke

Making a baby... The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to..'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !'

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

Mrs. Smith fainted.

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