Stuck in a Rut
(Camino, CA, USA)
I am 41 years young and just joyfully celebrated my 20th anniversary with my beloved husband. We have an 11 year old daughter who brings laughter and delight into our lives (which is a good thing because she has entered that stage in her life where she is also bringing absolute chaos and hair-pulling!) I am a textbook example of the old adage that women mature into the peak of their sexuality much later in life than men do – approximately mid-thirties. I am still going strong to the delight of my man. I have just two major problems, sexually speaking:
First and definitely worst – I almost never reach orgasm. It does not matter what I/we do; clitoral or vaginal stimulation, playing together or just by myself, manual or mechanical. And rest assured – my boy is well versed in the knowledge that the most important erogenous zone for a woman is her mind. In the last five years I have probably had fewer than 6 orgasms per year; we make love about 3 times per week and I masturbate about 4-5 times per week for the sensual pleasure of it (not necessarily with the goal of orgasm in mind, though that would be nice).
My second complaint is that while my man is usually open to suggestions regarding my wants and needs in bed he is stuck in a rut when it comes to giving oral sex. Let me first say that he is a very rare specimen: he does not like to receive oral. I will also clarify that he enjoys giving oral. The problem is that he will only latch on to my clit and flick it with his tongue (a bit too aggressively I might add) never varying the intensity and never touching me anywhere but my clit. Considering the fact that almost all of the incredibly infrequent orgasms I have attained in my sexual history have been during oral sex I am almost desperate to ask him to listen to my feedback but he simply doesn’t do it.
In all other ways we are a wonderfully happily married family so I have been tempted to seek sex therapy counseling. Do you think this is advisable? I could devastate his ego by doing so; in an extreme circumstance I could even possibly endanger my precious marriage. Nothing (especially not a few orgasms) is worth that.
Dear Happily Married,
Thank you for asking these questions. I am sure many will relate to your dilemma.
First, you say your ‘boy’ is well versed in the knowledge that the most important erogenous zone for a woman is her mind. I don’t know him, but I beg to differ. If that was true, he’d be open to your suggestions on how else to pleasure you and rather than doing the same thing which is not working.
You say he doesn’t like fellatio. That is a pure power play. He wants the power to do it to you whether it’s satisfying or not; he just doesn’t want you to have the power over him. He may also believe it is ‘dirty’, but a clean, washed penis is actually cleaner than French kissing. There’s something in his history that has made him repel the idea of fellatio, but that is his problem; not yours. Going to therapy for this would have to be his idea.
Also, if he was as well versed as you give him credit for, he would know that nothing kills passion and excitement faster than doing the same thing, in the same way, without taking any constructive criticism to improve. Being focused on the clitoris to the exclusion of the rest of the female genitals is the primary mistake of all unskilled lovers.
Your marriage sounds like a happy relationship 90% of the time. But one of the most important elements to keeping it happy is sexual satisfaction. How long do you think you can keep going without having an orgasm before your patience, understanding, and loving feelings towards him evaporate into stress, denial and even dis-ease?
Your fellow needs some guidance, but rather than seek help from a therapist, (which is a drastic move) I’d suggest you purchase some wonderful instructional DVD’s by some masters of cunnilingus and fellatio. Make a date with him to watch some adult ‘entertainment’, and when/if he asks, tell him it’s a different kind of foreplay. Watching them together, (after your 11 year old is safely tucked away and asleep), you can stop them wherever and whenever you need to, and either discuss or ‘practice’ what you’ve seen.
When it comes to pleasure, the student never stops learning and we are ALL students. If you both want to continue to grow as lovers you have to open your minds to the possibility that quantity and frequency do not necessarily make quality relations. There’s a lot to learn. Endeavor to watch as many instructional DVD’s as you can and then practice what you’ve seen. No one knows every pleasurable technique there is. If you truly want to pleasure each other, let the professionals guide you, and I don’t mean pornography; I mean instructional DVD’s that explain, guide, and show every technique for delightful oral pleasures.
Here is a page on my site that will take you to Sexuality Information: http://www.sensuality-sexuality-pleasure-advice.com/sexuality-information.html
Scroll down the page to the 3rd Amazon carousel and you will see a 3 volume DVD set on Oral Sex for lovers. Amazon has it at a great price.
May I also suggest my book: Loving Sex: Every Woman’s Guide to Sensual Sexuality which explains other wonderful techniques and tools that enhance sensual and sexual pleasure for the loving, monogamous couple. http://www.sensuality-sexuality-pleasure-advice.com/Loving-Sex.html
All of this advice and insights may have come on a bit strong. I’ve never been known to sugar-coat any advice I offer. But if you really want your sexual pleasure to improve, you both have to step out of your comfort zones a little, admit that there are things you just don’t know, and like eager students of love and life, soak up as much knowledge as you possibly can while enjoying the homework that will lead you to your pleasure. I hope this helps.